Something Wholly Unpredictable
by Totchii
Summary: HPSS Slash! Snape shows up for summer vacation...to see Dudley?
1. 1

Totchii intro: Hello! This story wasn't my idea, just to let you know! 'DeMoN tAiNtEd' offered a challenge to readers to attempted to write a story following certain guidelines, this shall be my attempt...Must warn you, it is not my usual story type...and is will NOT be Harry/Draco! (Practically everything else I write is...) As always, reviews (good, bad, or unrelated) are happily accepted! 

Required words: This is slash, don't own anything from Harry Potter series...

* * *

Something Wholly Unpredictable...(part 1)

* * *

"Another turning point

A fork stuck in the road

Time grabs you by the wrist

Directs you where to go

So make the best of this test

And don't ask why

It's not a question

But a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable

But in the end is right

I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs

And still frames in your mind

Hang it on a shelf of

Good health and good time

Tattoos of memories

And dead skin on trial

For what it's worth

It was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable

But in the end is right

I hope you had the time of your life

It's something unpredictable

But in the end is right

I hope you had the time of your life

It's something unpredictable

But in the end is right

I hope you had the time of your life"

(Green Day- Good Riddance)

* * *

It was the second day of summer and already they had him working in the backyard in the horrid excuse of a garden. He'd ditched his shirt somewhere between seven to eight-thirty AM when the sun decided to turn up the heat a few gazillion notches.

His glasses slid down his nose, he pushed them back up with a soil-covered hand. Then wiped his palms on the worn-out graying pants.

Green eyes darted a brief glance at the sun which was now above his head; in about an hour he'd be able to take a quick break for lunch, the Dursleys decided after he'd passed out twice from the heat (both having occurred yesterday), that he at least be fed lunch . . . a meager one, but food all the same.

Harry grabbed the slightly damp, white shirt from the ground to wipe his chest, back, and neck; the golden ringlet glinted in the afternoon sun . . .

He'd gotten the piercing a few weeks prior . . . and the thing was, Harry was the one that wanted the nipple-piercing to begin with.

Oh well, life had it's little perks like that.

Fifteen heat-scorching minutes later the doorbell at the front of the house rang.

"FREAK! GET THAT DOOR!" Vernon Dursley bellowed from the kitchen; it was his day off from work.

"Yes, Uncle Vernon." Harry sighed, pulling his hand-me-down pants up, (they tended to slip if he wasn't careful . . . he'd left his belt at Hogwarts so he had to use a length of rope he'd found in the tool shed, it didn't work very well . . . but it was something at least.

Trudging down the hall he ran his hand through his raggedy hair, unkempt and dirtier than usual . . . luckily the Dursleys were very hygienic.

Harry grabbed the doorknob then casually swung open the door . . .

"Professor Snape!" (First bit...Stuff that just ended was DeMoN tAiNtEd's intro paragraph)

Not surprisingly, Severus Snape was unaffected by Harry's lack of proprieties; he had had a bit over five years to get used to the boy's poor manners, and the boy couldn't really be blamed for his...ignorance, he had been living in squalor, after all.

Severus eyed the boy closely, taking in the dark unruly ebony hair, the bright green eyes, that sparkled with confusion, the ragged non-quite- covering pants, and the golden gleaming...nipple ring (whatever was that vulgar object's function?) before finally replying to Harry's questioning tone.

"50 points from Gryffindor for an unsurprising lack of manners. Mr. Potter, as much as I regret to have to see you, I am here, and surely even you know it's proper to invite someone in when they knock? Or at the very least, acknowledge their presence properly. Now, if you please..."

Harry, if it was possible, was even more startled when a great force knocked him sideways and into the door, as his repulsively huge cousin Dudley pushed past him at what was an astonishingly fast rate, given his great bulk.

He was to be even more startled and astonished. Dudley was embracing his potions master, practically ravishing him on the porch, all the while screaming, "Sevie, Sevie, you came!"

He was yet more astonished when this immaculate, callous potion master returned the whales embraces. In fact, Harry all but collapsed when the aforementioned potions teacher, responded, "Yes, Duddles-dearest". He then proceeded to kissed Dudley sharply on the lips.

And then finally, did Harry allow himself to collapse onto the barely carpeted floor.

* * *

Totchii: This should be interesting, ne? Come on, review! grins I'll give you some cake...! (And yes Jasse, I know this isn't the requested Snape fic...Arrgh, later! I swear I'll do it...someday!) 


	2. 2

Totchii Intro: Korr just spit in my ice cream! pouts icky-icky poo! (Korr: I didn't spit it, it fell off my spoon.) cry Poison, she's trying to poison me! (I utterly abhor...germs and such... "There all over me, there inside of me, I'm covered with, microscopic bacteria!") Oh, right..I came here for a purpose...to write more for my darling wonderful reviewers who I love so very very much. Thanks so much for thine reviews, the make my heart taste golden. Yes, I should warn you I am a bit insane...Oh, but you knew that, didn't you? The general consensus on the precious/first chapter of this fic was to quote anonymous j, "that was just sick" or, my personal favorite from Gryphnwng, "OH GOD! Just the mere thought of that...blubberous mass...and Severus?"...Yes, yes, people were shocked and intrigued...hee. Thanks for your reviews! Oh, and special thanks to marvelous DeMoN tAiNtEd who thought of the Challenge and...ACTUALLY LIKES MY STORY! happy dance 

Required stuff: Don't own anything from HP series, this is slash (SSHP...I swear!...er, SSDD too?), listen to X-Ray Spex!

* * *

Something Wholly Unpredictable...(part 2)

* * *

"Highly inflammable 

Waiting to explode

Neurotic tensions

Risen overflowed

You thought i was a woman

Ithought you were a man

But i was tinkerbell

And you were peter pan

Influenced by the fashion pages

Influenced by others' phases

It ain't hip if you are retro

You're a pseudo quasi intellectual

Supreme equality

We used to compete

The right to decide

Is denied to the sheep

You thought i was a woman

Ithought you were a man

But i was tinkerbell

And you were peter pan"

(Highly Inflammable- X-Ray Spex)

* * *

Harry was quite perplexed; Snape had been at the Dursleys for over a week now and showed no signs of leaving. In fact, he didn't even seem uncomfortable even though it was evident that his billowing pristine black robes were very out of placed in the planned normally, and barely comfortable furnishings of the Dursley's living room. No, contrary to what would be expected, Snape seemed perfectly at ease...And dreadfully close to Dudley. 

That was yet another thing that bugged Harry. Why it bugged him he wasn't quite sure, but perhaps it was because it was so odd that Professor Snape, who appeared to think himself above all of Hogwarts promising young wizards, all the other professors (for Harry had heard that Snape rarely associated with any of them willingly) and possibly Dumbledore himself, seemed perfectly at ease with the blubberous mass now reclining on his lap.

'"Sevie?" kiss

"Yes, my little Duddle-kins?" kiss

"Am I your favorite Duddlesickle?" kiss

"Oh, Duddles, pookie mouw..." kiss kisskiss'

Harry had watched and heard many conversations that followed this generic pattern which ended in many-a smotherings of kisses between his disgusting obese cousin and his supposedly heartless Potions Master...Needless to say, it was quite disturbing and despite Harry's best efforts he couldn't seem to focus on anything else. Every second it seemed that Dudley was once again doing unspeakable things (mainly mild kissing, hugs, and mindless baby talk), and Snape always seemed to return his affections ten fold. (Or so it seemed to Harry.)

Needless to say, Harry was quite disturbed by this growing trend. Ewww.. thought Harry, mentally cursing his fate, I swear I must have walked in to some alternate dimension. Or at least, he hoped he had. What other logical explanation could there be? It had to be a parallel universe, either that, or at the very least a horribly terrifying nightmare...

But, alas, with each passing second, both options seemed less and less likely. For one, Harry pinched himself and it hurt...big time. For the other, Snape, Dudley, and the other Dursleys still treated him exactly as they always had and everything was utterly normal, or at least as normal as it could be what with all the Snape and Dudley kissing scenes...ugh.

All right, Harry couldn't handle it anymore, so he stormed out of the room and down to the little cupboard under the stairs. He was quite use to this room, as he lived in it for natural life, and didn't really mind being relocated to it. The only part he resented was the reason he was being forced to live there again...Snape was staying in his room.

* * *

(A pause: sigh Now, she's flicking the lights on and off!) 

(A wail: panic attack She's going through my book collection! Hyperventilates)

(Umm...I know nothing has happened yet...but ummm...I've gotta go...More later, does it scare you?)


	3. 3

Totchii speaks: Aren't you enthralled? But honestly, I'm going to try and limit my author's comments and notes to the beginning of the story, I suppose it is a bit rude. One reviewer said "Bollocks, what a vain and infantile thing to do!". grins I'll admit immediately and with no shame that I am 'vain and infantile' as well as very egotistical...it makes me happy! But I do apologize to all my dear readers, as it's so nice of them to read and review! On that note, I must thank you all for your reviews! 

Thanks immensely to DeMoN tAiNtEd (this story is in response to her challenge...besides her stories are very, very tasty and she leaves nice reviews!)

Also thanks to all who have reviewed so far: Psymon Obsidian The Dark Queen (more), j (Yes, yes, it's sick! I know...grins), kleinmeli (I fainted too...really.), Gryphnwng (Yay, blubberous mass!), Starlit (Yes, sick...), barbarataku (How does one puke and laugh at the same time, eh?), A Fallen Angel in Blue (Interesting and very, very disgusting? Scared for life? Wow...I feel proud!), Hakkai - Gojyo - Goku - Sanzo (more), Chibidaima (funny?...wait till you see what else is in store for it! Later, not yet..), Madame-X (Good SSHP? Hmmm...I usually read HPDM, actually I've only ever read 3 SSHP fics and that was due to mia best friend's insistence...they were great though. Hopefully, this will eventually spiral into something you'd consider good!), Rhiane Raine (Yes, yes, I titled the song wrong...thanks! I'll eventually fix it, I swear!) TonyK (You think you're going to hurl? I have to write it! giggle)

Did I forget anyone? Mou, I hope not!

Warnings: Slash (HPSS, SSDD...ohy), Don't own anything from HP series!

Wow...I was very talkative little totchii, wasn't I? Okay, okay, one last spiel and then I'll start the story! And I shall attempt to make this chapter longer and have things happen in it...also I must try to cut down on those Dudley/Sevvie scenes...they don't make my head happy. Please feel free to leave comments, reviews, and complaints!

Last words: Korr, you've got weasels on your face! And...I swear to all the jimmies in your kingdom, that I will write your story...eventually!

* * *

Something Wholly Unpredictable...(part 3)

* * *

Harry sighed as he laid down on his uncomfortably hard bed. His life really wasn't a pleasant one, come to think of it, it never had been, but it seemed that it only got worse.

It was bad enough that he had to live out most of his childhood as a slave in a literal cupboard with only the barest of necessities, but now, Snape, his most hated teacher was there to witness it all.

Harry sighed again. Yes, his life really was unbearable. And yes, it was especially unbearable due to Snape's ever-present nature. He was always there.

And really, it wasn't that Snape even did anything to him. In fact Snape hadn't even spoken to him since that first morning at the door.

But maybe that was the problem. If there was one thing Harry couldn't stand, it was waiting. And, currently, he was waiting, waiting for Snape to do something, say something, acknowledge him, explain his intrusion. Surely his intrusion wasn't truly due to the charms of his larger-than-life- sized cousin?

Could it be a plot of Voldermont's? Infiltrate The-Boy-Who-Lived's by any means necessary? But to what purpose? Dumbledore had already explained that Voldermont couldn't hurt him while he was under the drasted Dursleys' 'care'. Maybe Dumbledore sent Snape to protect him? Spy on him?

But...Snape wasn't even paying him any attention. He spent all his time masticating dreadful Dudley's ever-loving lips. And then began those unwanted mental images again. How it made him sick.

Understand, it didn't make him sick because they were both male, if you could consider Dudley male. Or because of the colossal age difference. Or the fact that it was happening where he was. No, what he couldn't stand was who it was: Dudley and Snape.

Dudley and Snape.

Harry would have less trouble accepting that Malfoy was completely and utterly in love with him and had deflected to the side of the light...

Or that Ron dreamed of shagged the lights out of Dobby...

Or that Voldermont spent his free singing Britney Spears songs while dancing around a shrine to the Carebears in a pink and purple spotted tutu.

But, no such luck. It was Dudley and Snape.

Snape and Dudley.

Dudley and Snape.

It couldn't be true, could it? Surely even Snape, whose mind had probably been addled by years of close encounters of the potion kind, couldn't possible be attracted to his blubberingly gruesome two ton cousin? Even if it did seem like it...

And why wouldn't Snape talk to him? I wasn't like the Professor to avoid any chance to verbally accost him, and surely he'd had ample chances so far this week.

Why was Snape avoiding him? Why was he here? And more importantly, what was he trying to hide?

Harry didn't know, but he was going to find out. And he was going to find out immediately.

* * *

Totchii: You won't find out immediately though...you have to wait. Still no action or interaction in this chapter...just Harry's looping thoughts. The confrontations are coming, really. What is Snape hiding? And why does he do those dreadful things with Dudley? And why has he yet to start snogging Harry? When does the SSHP come in, anyway? Arrgh...it's coming I swear, and the DDSS will be tuned down...really. LEAVE ME REVIEWS PLEASE! Dances

Even if it's to say how much you can't stand me...or my fic...or my cupcakes? Um...right. More later!


	4. 4

Totchii: I'm feeling guilty because I haven't written in so long…Does anyone even read this still? My chapters are few and far between and very short when they do exist… **whimper** But, don't burn me! I can improve, really I can!

Thanks to all my reviewers!hugs and pocky

REVIEW MY LOVELIES, REVIEW! (Even if it's only to say you hate me…whimper)

Oh yes, technical stuff: Don't own anything from HP series…loosely based on challenge from DeMoN tAiNtEd (whose work is lovely!)….um….slash!

Last words: Korr! Korr! Korr! (Have you three ears to hear me?)

* * *

Something Wholly Unpredictable...(part 4)

* * *

"Having fun?" Snape asked with an almost undetectable trace of amusement.

Erstwhile, young Harry was now horizontal with the floor facing his former room, which now held his potions master. "Ummm, errr…. I was wondering if I could, maybe, uh talk to you?"

"Are you quite capable of that, Potter? Snape inquired while glancing down with a much evident look of scorn. "Based on previous attempts I would say it's rather impossible for you to form coherent sentences. However, I am feeling a bit generous, so, you may attempt if it is absolutely necessary. Now, what is it?"

Harry, still laying on the floor, "Oh…I…um"

"Get up, Potter." Snape snapped, clearly annoyed.

Potter obeyed and began to wonder if confronting Snape was really a good idea.

He didn't have long to wonder though for Snape walked into his room, forced Harry to follow, and closed the door behind them. "Well, Potter?" He sneered.

Harry meant to ask about Voldemort, nefarious plots, and Dumbledore. Snape's preference in….ugh….sex partners, no matter how spew-worthy, was not worth considering, much less, mentioning. Really, Harry couldn't care less about that, in fact, the less he knew about it, the better.

However, his mouth wasn't cooperating with his mind and the only question he managed to form was "uh.are you and Dudley really dating?"

Uh oh…that really wasn't what he'd meant to ask the professor, really it wasn't.

"What did you say?" Snape asked quickly, clearly, this was not the question he was expecting.

"Uh…I…er, uh…" Harry didn't seem capable of regaining his speech anytime soon.

"And why," said Snape slowly, "would you ask such a thing?"

Now Harry was even more at a loss. Why did he ask? Unfortunately, neither Harry's brain nor his legs were in working condition, and so, it looked as though there was to be quite along discussion looming in the mist.

One that definitely wouldn't go as Harry had planned….

* * *

Well? 


	5. 5

**Totchii**: It's been ages, hasn't it? Sorry, I've discovered the difficulty of having a life and maintaining my geekiness. And sadly, my geekiness has suffered quite a loss. (Did you know I went two months without reading ANY slash? Egads!) But, I'm taking a break from the drunken debauchery that has become my life….mainly, because the next party isn't until tonight…And I must occupy myself until then, mustn't I?

As always, reviews/comments/concerns/babbles/rants/anything will be greatly appreciated!

Oh, and this is slash, obviously, and I definitely don't own ANY of the characters or the setting…damn.

Final words: "I weep for the death of the grypons, those noble creatures of the world's mourning…" and… Love you korr, you hussy!

* * *

**Something Wholly Unpredictable...(part 5)**

* * *

Harry had done the unmentionable. However for the sake of plotline, we will allow it to be mentioned: he had questioned Snape about his sexual tendencies.

When he went to confront Snape, he had, quite abruptly queried, "are you really dating Dudley?"

Snape, needless to say, was less than amused by Harry's questioning. One could, in fact, say that he was annoyed, infuriated, and just generally pissed off by the current state of affairs.

Who was Potter to question anything about him, let alone his sexual preferences? He may have been the so called savior of the wizard world, but he was still a hormonal teenager, what did he know of life and love?

Yes, Severus Snape truly did love Dudley Dursley.

Truly.

Or at least that's what he would tell Potter, for Potter deserved nothing more.

With this decided, he said only one thing more to Harry, "Yes." He said, and then he briskly opened the door and forced Harry thorough it.

For, after all, young temperamental wizards such as Harry, no matter how scintillating they looked when flustered, were not worth his time or effort.

At least, not yet…

* * *

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, hiss? (Well?) Um, sorry it's so short; I'm just not anticipating answering all the questions that must now be answered. Questions such as: what? How did they meet? Why? How isn't Harry perpetually throwing up yet? Why would you do this to poor snapie? Etc, etc, etc…. 


End file.
